🎉 The “If Only I Knew Conditionals” Newsletter 🎉

Making grammar less grim, one conditional at a time!

🌦 What are conditionals?

Conditionals are like grammar fortune tellers 🔮 — they describe what might happen, what could’ve happened, or what always happens in certain situations. They all involve “if” in some form.

Let’s break 'em down — nice and easy. No textbooks needed. Just you, me, and some laughs. 😎

🟢 Zero Conditional – For Things That Are Always True

If + present simple, present simple

🧪 Example:
“If you heat ice, it melts.”
👉 It’s science, mate. You can’t argue with physics. ❄️🔥

💬 Colloquial:
“If you don’t sleep, you’re a grumpy sod the next day.” 😴➡️😡

🟡 First Conditional – Real Possibilities in the Future

If + present simple, will + verb

🎯 Example:
“If it rains tomorrow, we’ll cancel the picnic.”
☔ Sorry, no soggy sandwiches for us.

💬 Colloquial:
“If you bring snacks, I’ll love you forever.” 🍫💘

🟠 Second Conditional – Imaginary, Hypothetical Stuff

If + past simple, would + verb

🛸 Example:
“If I had a flying car, I’d never sit in traffic again.”
(We all wish this one were real.) 🚗💨

💬 Colloquial:
“If I were rich, I’d buy a pub and call it ‘The Grammar Goblin’.” 🍻👹

🔴 Third Conditional – Regrets and Missed Chances

If + had + past participle, would have + past participle

😭 Example:
“If I had studied, I would have passed the test.”
Instead, I watched cat videos for 4 hours. 🐱📺

💬 Colloquial:
“If you’d told me there was free pizza, I’d have shown up 10 minutes early.” 🍕

🔁 Mixed Conditionals – A Wild Combo of Time

Past + Present / Present + Past
(Use when time gets weird)

🌀 Example:
“If I had taken that job in Spain, I’d be living on the beach now.” 🏖️🌞
(Past decision affecting your current life.)

💬 Colloquial:
“If I hadn’t eaten that dodgy kebab, I wouldn’t be stuck in the loo now.” 🚽😬

🤪 5 FUNNY CONDITION-ALL QUESTIONS

Let’s flex those grammar muscles with some proper British banter and imagination:

1. If you could swap lives with anyone for a day, who would it be and why?

Answer:
“I’d swap with my dog. He naps 20 hours a day and gets praised for pooping outside. Living the dream.” 🐶💤💩

2. **If you won the lottery, what’s the first silly thing you’d buy?**

Answer:
“A golden toilet. I want to feel like royalty even when I’m doing peasant things.” 👑🚽

3. If your past self saw your life now, what would they say?

Answer:
“They’d probably say, ‘Wait... you still don’t know how to cook pasta properly?’ 🍝🔥”

4. If your teacher had turned into a zombie, what would you have done?

Answer:
“Run. Then sneak back and leave homework on their desk — just in case they still grade.” 🧟‍♂️📚

5. If your mate forgot your birthday, how would you get revenge (hypothetically, of course)?

Answer:
“I’d ‘accidentally’ forget their Netflix password and see how long they last.” 😏📺

✨ QUICK RECAP – Cheat Sheet!

Conditional	Structure	When to Use	Example
Zero	If + present, present	Facts	“If I don’t eat, I get hangry.”
First	If + present, will	Real future	“If it rains, we’ll cancel.”
Second	If + past, would	Unreal now/future	“If I were taller, I’d dunk.”
Third	If + had + pp, would have + pp	Regrets	“If I’d slept, I’d be human today.”
Mixed	Combo of past + present	Imagination overload	“If I’d moved, I’d be rich now.”

📢 What About You?

Wanna give these a go?
Reply with your own silly “if” answers — I might feature yours in the next newsletter! 💌🎤

Until next time,
Keep it conditional. Keep it British.
💂‍♂️💬✨

Thanks for reading.

Lewis